Thursday, February 09, 2006
i know i'm the sort who will take risks. the sort who believes, not because of an unwavering faith in fate but a faint hope in the power of will, that people can make something out of nothing. however, it seems like this is something that i can't take more risk with than is absolutely necessary. i took a risk with this, but i'm only left with this doubt: is this worth it? i'm just standing in the cold right now. what can i do now? where do we go from here? i will be leaving soon. how am i to do so with all these cracks between us? do we end it here? should we end it here? maybe we can prevent an iminent disaster by doing so. but if we end it here, we'll know it's only because we're cowards.
call it what you want. call me selfish, but i need to live as well. i know you do too, but i can't stand for such insensitive comments. and why do you listen to him of all people? does he know me? what he said then may not be true, but i can't believe that my mom did what he said she did. she doesn't even know who the fuck he is, much less that he liked me. don't you think that that counts for something? i don't want to call him a liar, but hell if that's what i see then there's no help for it. i sound pathetic, i know i AM pathetic, but that's all i can do. i don't have as much control over my life as you do and i don't know if you can understand that. it doesn't seem like you do, but maybe it's just me. it's not like i can help being protected like that. it was the way i was brought up and if you want to blame me or my parents, i can't deny that you're justified in doing that. asking me to break free like that...that's you assuming that my parents will react the way yours did. and as i said before, my family may be a pain sometimes, but that doesn't mean that they don't mean anything to me.
it all boils down to a few questions: what are we willing to give up for this? what if i can't make some of the compromises you demand of me? and what if i do, and it falls apart anyway? will we resent each other for that, for all these things not having been enough? i don't even know what everything we have been talking and fighting about has achieved. maybe it's too abstract for me to detect. or maybe it's nothing. nothing at all.
**dream until you die**
4:15 PM
