Thursday, October 20, 2005
warning: pointless, meandering post ahead. (and i don't care if you think it's 'too cheem')been spending alot of time with goth-andrew lately, and well, there're alot of things that are popping up. no, people, it's not about romance, or about chemistry or any of that crap. it's just that he's been causing me to look long and hard at myself. it's not his intention, it's just something that arises from the type of conversations i have with him. he started hanging out with me because, first of all, he thinks my art is good (and it helps that he's pretty good too) and secondly, because we share the same sort of very dark, disturbing aesthetic that few people can understand. but the other day, he looked at me and said,
"you know, i look at your work and go, 'that's cool', but i can't seem to see that in your personality. you just seem like a very happy person. so i wonder, is there some huge point that i'm missing?"am i just automatically pretending to be cheerful, simply because i've been geared towards that my whole life? there's alot that's very similar between me and andrew, but we react so differently. when he tells me stuff, i'm inclined to go, "oh man, exactly, i feel/think that too", but our dispositions are very different. he can be aggressive, arrogant, and just plain caustic, whereas i'm very mellow. how come we can be so similar and yet so different, all at the same time? i'm ot saying that i should be exactly like him, just that i do have the right to be angry at times. the thing is, when those times come, i simply shove it all to one side, and try not to talk about it. i get angry alot more often than most people realize, but it's almost as if i feel like anger is not something i'm entitled to, that i should simply accept the way life goes, and make way for others. i don't know why, but for some reason, andrew's taken to carefully chipping away at that chirpy little veneer that i tend to wear even on my most depressed days (heck, even the music i tend to listen to is hardly the most cheerful stuff out there.) after all this time, when i've looked down on so many others for being hypocrites, am i really just the biggest hypocrite of them all, a hypocrite to myself? it's like i'm almost ashamed of that darker, crazier side of me, so that now it only reflects in my art, and maybe sometimes in my sense of humour. i guess i'm afraid that if i show that weird (no, REALLY weird) side of me, i won't have any friends, and that i'd just feel incredibly lost and alone. i don't mean to say that what people have seen of me isn't me at all, that it's just a fabrication. i'm just trying to say that, that isn't all of me, that there's some part of me that i'm far from being proud of, and have just suppressed it. lately, i stood back and looked at my artwork, the stuff i've been doing here, and i've realized that they generally all revolve around what you could call 'the pain of existence' (yes, that is ANGST! woohoo), in varying degrees of obscurity. it's emerged so unconsciously, yet makes so much sense when i look at it, almost as if the artwork has taken a life of its own, but it definitely comes from me. i look at it, and have to admit, 'this is me. this is what i want to communicate to others.'
andrew's suggested that i check out the goth scene one day, he seems to think i'm a natural goth (whatever that is). i really don't know, i'm very tempted to just throw my inhibitions out the window and go along with it. as usual, my insecurities are holding me back. i've given him a very cautious 'yeah', and wonder why i'm hesitating. social convention, once again, may be preventing me from finding my place in melbourne culture. i worry too much about what others think of me. i worry too much. maybe it's time to take a deep breath, and dive off the deep end.
**dream until you die**5:29 PM
