together we'll drown in the deep blue sea

Friday, July 22, 2005

drunk and therefore in my right mind
just returned from dinner with aunty margaret's friends, had alot more to drink than i ought to, so forgive spelling mistakes, bad typing etc, cos everything's a little woozy now. i think when you're tipsy you're alot more honest than you usually are, so i better put in an entry now so everyone will know how i really feel without me actually censoring everything as it goes through my brain. currently listening to dir en grey's 'withering to death' album. it's actually good, except that the later songs start sounding the same, which i hate. maybe that's why i like macabre so much (every song there has a very distinct, signature sound.) anyways, miyavi's fun, but DEG's the true music talent in my eyes. some of the songs are realso ly great, like itohisa ha fuhai nitsuki, and (no matter what Painkiller says) C. i dunno, i like noisy music. it's not that i don't like the sound they've adopted now, it's just that they don't appear to have put in as much effort for this album as their others, such as kisou, which i find extremely sad, cos they could be more diverse than this.

met a girl who likes jrock as well today, but she likes malice mizer (don't really dig them for some reason) and she doesn't quite like miyavi, which is sad (her fave is gackt, dunno why, he's so stiff. even the members of DEG are fun, i've got clips of them doing crazy things like playing baseball with oranges during their concerts and screwing up during rehearsals, which is really hilarious. they kept missing, cos they obviously don't play). anyway, that just made me miss singapore, cos not many people know jrock, so it's not often that you find your bishonen under attack. in that case, peops just find you a little weird, but acceptable,but when you meet people who actually know, cos they then challenge your taste ( i'm too nice to challenge her like of such an odd idol). yup, the whole comfort zone thing again. it's awful, how i have to think about everything before i let it pass my lips, cos i don't want people to think i'm queer ( which they will) cos of the weird things i tend to say. i want to be back home, where i can be comfortable that there will be people who will accept me for who i am anyway. (listening to machiavellism now, i actually really like this song. jesus christ r n' r and garbage sounded so alike, i didn't even realise they had gone past. see what i mean?) trying to create a livejournal account right now, so i can communicate with eunice, but the site seems to be taking forever to respond. (ooh. dead tree is good too. screamy in a good way.) anyway, back to my meandering thoughts.

i'm afraid i'm gonna lose contact with everybody, cos everything's just flooding my life, social stuff, studies, everything. i'm already worrying about the extensive readings i'm gonna have to do, the amount of artistic and historical knowledge that i'm going to have to possess, along with maintaining a healthy lifestyle (planning to sign up for pilates classes.) people are important, cos society's the only reason we exist. not for ourselves, but for others, whether it's our spouses (why is dead tree so short? but the final is next, so i'm not complaining), or our children, or even friends. family too, but we only remember them when we leave, because otherwise we take them for granted. mom left today, and i can't deny that i feel a great amount of relief that i will no longer get the same pep talk everynight while i'm trying to listen to my music. yet, it's still quite a feeling to realise that for the first time, you are well and truly alone. the final suddenly touches me in a way i could previously never imagine, kyo's voice suddenly takes on the quality on a person hanging on to his life and sanity by a thread, the pain of a million losses dragging at his heart. (with beautiful dirt, the album takes a dip into monotomy, if simple screaming can be considered monotomy.) goddamnit, livejournal hasn't even finished loading the registration page, 12 tracks into Withering to Death. maybe i should just give up on it. i wanna go down and watch blade trinity with uncle simon. anyway, to try gravitate back to the subject (spilled milk sounds like beautiful dirt sounds like merciless cult. how sad.), all connections to my life so far have been cut. a new chapter, to use a rather cliched comparison, has begun. new friends i have made, but i still don't feel fully at home with them, despite them being singaporean. sis, i need you here. people like yien or em or jp too. they operate on different wavelengths, some of which i find saddeningly shallow. what has happened to the world that i built up over my 18+ years in singapore? i wonder how i could have left it behind so easily. and also how 7 glasses of red wine and peking duck could have let loose such an uncontrollable sense of loss and confusion within a couple of hours. or maybe it's DEG's music. either way, WtD suddenly doesn't seem so bad. and blade trinity is waiting for me downstairs. it's good that uncle simon's actually very artistic (go check out www.flickr.com/photos/eyecatcher for his photos, he's won awards for his work. be amazed by his work, he's had no professional training. he just wanders melbourne with a simple digicam to capture these beautiful images. some are actually taken in singapore. anyway, he has great visions for singapore that reflect my own, like trying to convince people to tune in to the true spirit of art, rather than simply tap into the commercial element that it provides. he should be a consultant for nac. unfortunately, meritocracy in singapore takes precedence over dynamic creativity. we are simply a massive money-making machine, a bunch of senseless computers who measure success in dollars in cents instead of spirit and soul. not only are we not proud of our own culture, we also pander to anyone with white skin and blond hair. i wish asians had more self-respect, like the japs and their utter refusal to adopt western culture fully. there is at least a relatively strong alternate culture that is uniquely japanese.. whi8ch is probably why they appeal so much to youths and even adults all around the world: the fact that they have an unabashed, totally frank respect for the signature they have carved out for themselves. of course, being non-jap, i probably have a very idealistic image of them, but the fact that they have visual kei and even anime as genres in themselves says alot (it isn't that the songs inWtD aren't nice, just that many sound too alike for my taste.)

ok, enough rambling, i realise everything is terrbly incoherent, i'd get screwed over if i submit this for any tutorial here. so i'll spare you all for now. the alcohol's starting to clear, so i'm slightly more lucid, though not much (aunty margaret and i practically shared a bottle between the two of us alone, i matched her drink for drink, and we helped the rest with their one bottle of shiraz. i'm gonna get liver failure something bad next time. i'm definitely dying early) and i realise how terrible this unprecedented flow sounds. so i'll leave you guys at that, and hope i can wake up to follow aunty margaret to victoria market tomorrow, to help with her grocery shopping, since it's the least i can do after getting all that help from her. melb uni is enormous, i'm glad she helped me find my way for at least the first coupla days. this is getting terribly long, so i better stop and actually get sober. listening to WtD, decided that it's an ok album, but not DEG's best. i still think kaoru's the hottest, no matter what sook jin says. toshiya's a little scary cos of his bapok-ness, even though his cheeky behaviour is really cute.

oh man, now i've just gone totally off, see what happens with too much wine? so kids, don't drink too much, and especially not when you're feeling as tired as i am. i'll probably kill myself for having such an incoherent post tomorrow. so i better stop. abrupt is better than never.

**dream until you die**
10:31 PM